Blue

I actually had a pretty good day. Therapy went well (if a little bit difficult today), and nothing bad happened. I have nothing coming up tomorrow so I can just read all night if I want to. I should be really happy, I guess.

I made a goal for myself a few days ago not to let my relationship affect my mood so much, but I know that's what has me sad. It makes me feel dependent and pathetic... but then I guess I should, because I am. One of my biggest goals in going to therapy was to develop more of an identity and a life separate from him. That sounds good but it wasn't for good reasons. I had hoped that if I become more independent and he saw that I didn't need him so much he would start to miss me and maybe it could be him pursuing me for once. I know that's unhealthy and I know if this were a good relationship ideas like that wouldn't enter my mind. I'm steering away from that goal lately. This needs to be for myself. I just feel incredibly lonely.

I've felt lonely for almost three years, really... ever since he first left for boot camp. But it was different before. I used to be lonely and depressed because I longed for him so much and missed what we had so intensely, but now I feel lonely for affection in general. I think about being with someone else... no one specific, just that faceless, nameless, imaginary man that I pretend is holding me when I'm crying at night and can't sleep and that I daydream about when I don't know what else to do. God, I feel pathetic. This isn't right... it shouldn't be like this. I know that but I don't know what to do about it. I miss him, but I don't miss him. I miss what we used to be, and that isn't enough. The end feels inevitable, but I'm so afraid of it.

I know this situation and the whole relationship probably deserves a lot more explanation, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and for all intents and purposes my boyfriend's name is J.

Cooking?

Lately I've been feeling really depressed about my relationship (long stupid story that I'll save for later). I really need to not let that control my mood so often and so intensely. When I get depressed I like a lot of distractions, so I'm reading three books right now and am watching entirely too much TV. What's weird is I've been watching the Food Network all the time, and I don't cook... like at all. It's a little embarrassing. (Wanna know something even more embarrassing? I think I'm getting a crush on Bobby Flay XD).

Anyway, I was thinking I might give cooking a try. I am nineteen, and I will theoretically not be living at home anymore in a relatively small number of years. Plus I just really need something to focus on that isn't sad or frustrating (or maybe I'm speaking too soon..). Wish me luck.

Obligatory Introduction

I never know how to write about myself, but in the event that anyone decides to read this blog they should probably know a little bit about me. I'm a nineteen-year-old sociology major and English literature minor at Miami University in Ohio. My dream is to be a novelist. Nothing written but fanfiction thus far, unfortunately. I'm also an occasional photographer (all the pictures you see here are mine unless I mention otherwise), but I live near some woods that I think anyone could go into and capture something beautiful.

As the blog title suggests, I'm quiet and live largely in my head. It goes beyond that, actually; I have social phobia and other problems with anxiety and depression. A large part of this blog will be about my struggles with that because I've found it's something few people understand and it's hard to talk about it with anyone in my personal life. I feel incredibly restricted by my timidity because I think I'm an intelligent person, but my fear and insecurity keep me pretty silent in the real world, so I thought a blog would be a great outlet and a way of reaching out. I'm not really sure how this will go or if I'll receive any response, but I'm feeling optimistic : ).