I actually had a pretty good day. Therapy went well (if a little bit difficult today), and nothing bad happened. I have nothing coming up tomorrow so I can just read all night if I want to. I should be really happy, I guess.
I made a goal for myself a few days ago not to let my relationship affect my mood so much, but I know that's what has me sad. It makes me feel dependent and pathetic... but then I guess I should, because I am. One of my biggest goals in going to therapy was to develop more of an identity and a life separate from him. That sounds good but it wasn't for good reasons. I had hoped that if I become more independent and he saw that I didn't need him so much he would start to miss me and maybe it could be him pursuing me for once. I know that's unhealthy and I know if this were a good relationship ideas like that wouldn't enter my mind. I'm steering away from that goal lately. This needs to be for myself. I just feel incredibly lonely.
I've felt lonely for almost three years, really... ever since he first left for boot camp. But it was different before. I used to be lonely and depressed because I longed for him so much and missed what we had so intensely, but now I feel lonely for affection in general. I think about being with someone else... no one specific, just that faceless, nameless, imaginary man that I pretend is holding me when I'm crying at night and can't sleep and that I daydream about when I don't know what else to do. God, I feel pathetic. This isn't right... it shouldn't be like this. I know that but I don't know what to do about it. I miss him, but I don't miss him. I miss what we used to be, and that isn't enough. The end feels inevitable, but I'm so afraid of it.
I know this situation and the whole relationship probably deserves a lot more explanation, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and for all intents and purposes my boyfriend's name is J.
I made a goal for myself a few days ago not to let my relationship affect my mood so much, but I know that's what has me sad. It makes me feel dependent and pathetic... but then I guess I should, because I am. One of my biggest goals in going to therapy was to develop more of an identity and a life separate from him. That sounds good but it wasn't for good reasons. I had hoped that if I become more independent and he saw that I didn't need him so much he would start to miss me and maybe it could be him pursuing me for once. I know that's unhealthy and I know if this were a good relationship ideas like that wouldn't enter my mind. I'm steering away from that goal lately. This needs to be for myself. I just feel incredibly lonely.
I've felt lonely for almost three years, really... ever since he first left for boot camp. But it was different before. I used to be lonely and depressed because I longed for him so much and missed what we had so intensely, but now I feel lonely for affection in general. I think about being with someone else... no one specific, just that faceless, nameless, imaginary man that I pretend is holding me when I'm crying at night and can't sleep and that I daydream about when I don't know what else to do. God, I feel pathetic. This isn't right... it shouldn't be like this. I know that but I don't know what to do about it. I miss him, but I don't miss him. I miss what we used to be, and that isn't enough. The end feels inevitable, but I'm so afraid of it.
I know this situation and the whole relationship probably deserves a lot more explanation, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and for all intents and purposes my boyfriend's name is J.
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