A Break

J and I are taking a break. I've never actually understood what that term meant when used in relationships, but in our case it means not talking for a week and then seeing where we are. It's a week right now, but this is kind of a test. It could just as easily become shorter or grow longer, I really don't know at this point. My therapist gave me the idea and when I mentioned it to him I could tell he liked it... which hurt my feelings. I had hoped he would say he hated the thought of not having any contact with me... that he would miss me too much. But I knew he wouldn't. I always want him to say something like that. I want so badly to feel like he needs me like I do him, but I don't. I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself and miss him this week. I'm seeing friends, volunteering, and getting a job, damnit.

I still haven't thought of anything to write for therapy. When I really get an urge to write lately I write in my journal or get on here. This is probably a little sad, but even though I have no followers yet I feel a sense of accomplishment when I see my blog get longer and my profile views go up. It's like I've finally stuck to something and something good may come of it. I hope so.

Blue

I actually had a pretty good day. Therapy went well (if a little bit difficult today), and nothing bad happened. I have nothing coming up tomorrow so I can just read all night if I want to. I should be really happy, I guess.

I made a goal for myself a few days ago not to let my relationship affect my mood so much, but I know that's what has me sad. It makes me feel dependent and pathetic... but then I guess I should, because I am. One of my biggest goals in going to therapy was to develop more of an identity and a life separate from him. That sounds good but it wasn't for good reasons. I had hoped that if I become more independent and he saw that I didn't need him so much he would start to miss me and maybe it could be him pursuing me for once. I know that's unhealthy and I know if this were a good relationship ideas like that wouldn't enter my mind. I'm steering away from that goal lately. This needs to be for myself. I just feel incredibly lonely.

I've felt lonely for almost three years, really... ever since he first left for boot camp. But it was different before. I used to be lonely and depressed because I longed for him so much and missed what we had so intensely, but now I feel lonely for affection in general. I think about being with someone else... no one specific, just that faceless, nameless, imaginary man that I pretend is holding me when I'm crying at night and can't sleep and that I daydream about when I don't know what else to do. God, I feel pathetic. This isn't right... it shouldn't be like this. I know that but I don't know what to do about it. I miss him, but I don't miss him. I miss what we used to be, and that isn't enough. The end feels inevitable, but I'm so afraid of it.

I know this situation and the whole relationship probably deserves a lot more explanation, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and for all intents and purposes my boyfriend's name is J.