Job Hunting

Finding a job might turn out to be easier than I expected. If all goes well I'll be employed by Holiday Inn cleaning and doing laundry and being revoltingly domestic. But I'm actually pretty happy with it. Compared to what I could be doing that sounds just fine with me. They hire a lot apparently and my mom knows someone who works there who has put in a good word for me. I may even go apply tomorrow. I'm anxious to have something to do.

I really miss college. This is the first time I've ever missed school and it will definitely be the first time I'll be happy to see it start again. My therapist recommended that I look into the possibility of majoring in social work rather than sociology since it would likely increase my chances of getting a job. I really don't know... I think I will take an intro to social work course though to see how I feel about it and to get an idea of the kinds of careers sociologists and social workers have to see where I might want to go from here. Unfortunately the ones being offereed in the fall are full, but there's no rush since I'm still getting through the required credits. I am taking sociology of gender roles, though. That could be very mentally stimulating or it could be really, really irritating. We'll see.

Day one of the break went all right. I only cried once. Other than that I've just been annoyed.

Elsa

This is Elsa. She was my cat for thirteen years. I miss her...

A Break

J and I are taking a break. I've never actually understood what that term meant when used in relationships, but in our case it means not talking for a week and then seeing where we are. It's a week right now, but this is kind of a test. It could just as easily become shorter or grow longer, I really don't know at this point. My therapist gave me the idea and when I mentioned it to him I could tell he liked it... which hurt my feelings. I had hoped he would say he hated the thought of not having any contact with me... that he would miss me too much. But I knew he wouldn't. I always want him to say something like that. I want so badly to feel like he needs me like I do him, but I don't. I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself and miss him this week. I'm seeing friends, volunteering, and getting a job, damnit.

I still haven't thought of anything to write for therapy. When I really get an urge to write lately I write in my journal or get on here. This is probably a little sad, but even though I have no followers yet I feel a sense of accomplishment when I see my blog get longer and my profile views go up. It's like I've finally stuck to something and something good may come of it. I hope so.

Success

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Homework

When I go to therapy I get homework. In the first session I was told to get into a normal sleep pattern, which worked for a while but I really need to get back on it. After that I had to do "brave" things. For me, brave means socializing, and anything outside of my comfort zone (which is almost all social stuff). Session 3's homework was to start volunteering somewhere. I picked the Community Counseling and Crisis Center, probably working on their hotline. I haven't gone yet, but I'm actually looking forward to it. It's a little intimidating but I hve a good feeling about it.

Yesterday my therapist told me to write something about myself. Very vague. She said it could be poetry or prose, and not to censor myself or worry how good it is, and that's all I really have to go on. She said to have fun with it. One of the things I love about writing fiction is that I get to not be myself for a while, so I'm not sure how to make this fun. I don't know what to say or how to say it yet. I have a week, I guess... if I write it and actually like it I may put it here. I know she said not to worry about how good it is but I'm such a perfectionist when it comes to writing.

Blue

I actually had a pretty good day. Therapy went well (if a little bit difficult today), and nothing bad happened. I have nothing coming up tomorrow so I can just read all night if I want to. I should be really happy, I guess.

I made a goal for myself a few days ago not to let my relationship affect my mood so much, but I know that's what has me sad. It makes me feel dependent and pathetic... but then I guess I should, because I am. One of my biggest goals in going to therapy was to develop more of an identity and a life separate from him. That sounds good but it wasn't for good reasons. I had hoped that if I become more independent and he saw that I didn't need him so much he would start to miss me and maybe it could be him pursuing me for once. I know that's unhealthy and I know if this were a good relationship ideas like that wouldn't enter my mind. I'm steering away from that goal lately. This needs to be for myself. I just feel incredibly lonely.

I've felt lonely for almost three years, really... ever since he first left for boot camp. But it was different before. I used to be lonely and depressed because I longed for him so much and missed what we had so intensely, but now I feel lonely for affection in general. I think about being with someone else... no one specific, just that faceless, nameless, imaginary man that I pretend is holding me when I'm crying at night and can't sleep and that I daydream about when I don't know what else to do. God, I feel pathetic. This isn't right... it shouldn't be like this. I know that but I don't know what to do about it. I miss him, but I don't miss him. I miss what we used to be, and that isn't enough. The end feels inevitable, but I'm so afraid of it.

I know this situation and the whole relationship probably deserves a lot more explanation, but I just don't feel up to it tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Oh, and for all intents and purposes my boyfriend's name is J.

First Stanza of "Endymion" by John Keats

A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:
Its loveliness increases; it will never
Pass into nothingness; but still will keep
A bower quiet for us, and a sleep
Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.
Therefore, on every morrow, are we wreathing
A flowery band to bind us to the earth,
Spite of despondence, of the inhuman dearth
Of noble natures, of the gloomy days,
Of all the unhealthy and o'er-darkened ways::
Made for our searching: yes, in spite of all,
Some shape of beauty moves away the pall
From our dark spirits. Such the sun, the moon,
Trees old and young, sprouting a shady boon
For simple sheep; and such are daffodils
With the green world they live in; and clear rills
That for themselves a cooling covert make
'Gainst the hot season; the mid forest brake,
Rich with a sprinkling of fair musk-rose blooms:
And such too is the grandeur of the dooms
We have imagined for the mighty dead;
All lovely tales that we have heard or read:
An endless fountain of immortal drink,
Pouring unto us from the heaven's brink.